Day 43 - Week 7

Yes, it's not an official "week" anymore, but I'm still going so I'll still write down where I'm up to. I lost more weight last week, not a massive amount, but then again I wasn't expecting to!

Hmm... I'm a bit upset because this weekend we're supposed to be catching up with a friend I haven't seen for several months. Until a week ago, I actually didn't consider her a "friend" at all, because I thought she'd de-friended me off Facebook, but it turns out she thought I de-friended her?? So I haven't spoken to her for months and months (well she doesn't live locally). The weird thing is, she is more my husband's friend than mine, and she de-friended him deliberately... so it never occurred to me that she had stopped being my friend by accident. Well, doesn't that all sound so ridiculously high schoolish??

Anyway, I was okay with seeing her again, until my husband told me she'd lost 25kg... now I am completely paranoid because although I've lost weight, I'm still fat, whereas she obviously isn't anymore! It is stupid, I know... I shouldn't feel bad because someone else has lost weight and I'm still fat. But, there is a bit of odd history there that sort of makes it worse (no, I'm not going into it). So even though I was feeling better about myself, more attractive etc. it's like I've been thrust straight back into fatty land, which makes me feel rather bad and hopeless. Stupid, I know. I don't worry about hanging out with friends who were always thin, but somehow hanging out with someone who, when I last saw her, was the same sort of size as me, and is now heaps thinner, just makes me feel quite bad. It's like I've been putting in a ton of effort for nothing.

Yes, I KNOW that is stupid. I KNOW that by the end of the year I won't be obese or even overweight anymore, so it is stupid to feel as if I've done nothing. Losing almost 6kg isn't NOTHING. It's just not 25kg... If I'd lost 25kg I'd be feeling fan-freaking-tastic! Of course, I would have had to lose it just too quickly... and I don't lose weight like that.

It's like... I start feeling good about myself, and then I'm put into a situation where I'm the ugliest, fattest person and it jsut pushes me back into insecurity and feeling unattractive. Yes, in the real world there are a zillion thinner, prettier girls than me. But when I'm on my own, I start feeling good about what I've achieved.

ARGH I hate beating myself up about stupid shit like this! SILLY SILLY SILLY!!!!

Anyway, I shouldn't be miserable today. It is my little girl's birthday and she is now 8! I can't believe how fast time flies or how old she is getting! Geez in just 10 years she'll be 18. Freaky. I should also be happy that I have accomplished this weight loss on my own, with no drugs or pills, and it's been steady and regular. I've exercised most week days, even when I haven't been perfect, and I'm looking better and fitting into clothes that I didn't fit into before. I think my skin is clearer too, so overall I look at myself and am fairly happy with how I am going. And I should NOT let something stupid make me feel as if I am a failure because I haven't achieved more.

Anyway, I have many more months to achieve my perfection! (Well not perfection, but as good as I can be!) so I won't let a hiccup or a situation make me feel bad. I will congratulate myself on where I am now and where I am going.