Day 12

Well last night I stuffed up a bit... I made a "cheesecake" from the recipe book, and although I only made a 1/2 quantity, I should only have eaten 1/2 of that 1/2, but I ate the full amount and ended up feeling a little icky and stuffed! At least it was the JS day ;)

The challenge for me is that my husband is going to be home again this weekend. Now, don't ask me why, but I find it very, very difficult to stay motivated and focused when he is around. He SAYS he is supportive, but his behaviour is not.

In fact, the other day he said: "Is it fair to expect me to suffer just because you are on a diet?" And by "suffer" I mean that I asked him not to eat chocolate and stuff in front of me. Errm sorry if you have to do it somewhere else??? The other day he visited again (I say visited because he works for his parents 1.5 hours away, and generally works 12/14 days, therefore can't come here much, so he really lives with them not me at the moment...) and I took him to Coles to buy some stuff. He bought an almond Picnic bar and some Rocky Road. Well, he proceeded to eat the Picnic (offering me some... errm no thanks) in the car beside me! Nice??!! Then, after seeing my restraint there, and therefore KNOWING that I was sticking to a diet... AND seeing me turn down my son's hotcakes that night (which he made for Shrove Tuesday), he bought me some of my favourite Sovereign Hill raspberry drops the next day *sigh*. Obviously I CAN'T eat them... and he KNOWS my response when I break a healthy eating plan is usually to fall off the wagon...

To me support = not eating chocolate etc. in front of me, not offering me lollies that I shouldn't be eating (even when I love them), and not expecting me to just have "willpower" in such situations. I have explained to him that a supportive environment (where temptations are out of reach) is much better than one that isn't. Then he accused me of making the kids miss out (??) because of my diet. I told him that no, they don't miss out. I still take them out for tea once a fortnight (to Macca's, KFC or whatever), they have a muesli bar (or similar) for lunch each day, I let them buy lollies from the shop once a week or so (although I try and encourage them to walk/ride to the shop to get them... which isn't a short/easy journey lol). So how are they missing out? He asked if I give them dessert or ice cream after dinner occasionally. Yes, VERY occasionally. Since when do kids need dessert every day? Well, apparently HE did as a child. In my family we didn't. I don't think it's healthy eating to have dessert all the time (I don't mind if the kids have fruit or similar). Besides which, our 11 year old son is getting very overweight! How can I support him if I am buying the kids junk? Sure, the younger ones are still lean, but I can't buy it for them and let him miss out either. I see him now and I know that he needs to lose weight! He'll be in high school next year, and I think it's hard enough for kids without them being short, fat and brainy ;) he may still be short and brainy, but I want to get the fat under control! To do that, I need to set the right example myself (at the moment, I'm not a great example because I am obese), and I need to eat right to do that. I don't need to be giving them treats all the time!

So that's me venting ;) My husband really has a different way of looking at things. He thinks kids can eat what they want as long as they get plenty of exercise. I think eating is very important as well as exercise! I have explained to my husband time and again that to lose weight *I* need to do both. Just exercising doesn't cut it! If I'm eating crap and exercising, guess what? I stay fat! I may get more muscular, I may get fitter, but I'm still fat!

Anyhow, I just need to get through the weekend ;) And I need to TRY to not let him bother me! It is becoming awfully clear exactly why I have struggled so much with my weight over the past few years with him! And I don't even think he MEANS to sabotage me... he just expects me to be somehow superhuman, watch him pig out on junk while I miss out! That's hard ;) He told me he sometimes likes to sit down with some food to watch TV or a movie. Great! But errm if you wanna watch it WITH me, then try and be more sensitive. Or I'll just go and do something else and you won't get the time with me... If that's me being selfish, then so be it! There has to be some sort of compromise here. I really struggle, and have struggled for years, so the best thing for me is to be IN a supportive environment where junk just isn't available. Where someone isn't offering me chips or chocolate or whatever.

So, after all that rambling... I have just been for a ride, not too long but still, it's something! I get the heart pumping, body moving, fresh air etc. etc. so it's all good! Now, I have work to accomplish, because it's Friday, and this week hasn't gone as I initially planned! Still, just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other!

Well, it's just gone 3pm, and I have to confess I was feeling a little tired earlier. I went into my room and lay on the bed, only intending to be there for a short while, but I fell asleep! I woke up, realised it was lunch and dragged myself up again. I still feel a little foggy in the head, but to be fair, I've had a much harder time dragging myself out of bed in the past! I wanted to go shopping this afternoon before school finishes, but that's obviously not going to happen! I did tell the two younger kids I'd buy them a basketball today, so I may take them to the shops to buy a couple of balls, and pop into Coles to at least pick up something for tonight. My husband will be there as well tonight so will want something substantial. I'll probably do a full shop tomorrow (since he's around, I don't need to take the kids!)

Now, I'll finish sorting the clean laundry and get the kids' stuff ready for swimming this afternoon. As for work, well I wrote one article! I need to get one more done today (at a bare minimum), my mind just hasn't been settled today (although that's no excuse). I really feel that when the challenge is over, I'll experiment with more raw food and full vegan eating. I'm becoming less comfortable with eating meat, and feel much better when I avoid it. I have been eating it during the challenge because, for starters, I have several BodyTrim meals that have meat as their base, and because I still had fish and stuff in the house that the kids won't eat. Once all that's gone, I think I'll just quit it! However, I'll get through these 6 weeks first (towards the end I'll probably be eating more vegan options). I love the general idea of the BodySculpt program, but don't like that I can't eat fruit, and don't like the emphasis on animal protein (although it is possible to go vegetarian, being a vegan on the program would be a huge challenge because there are so few pure protein vegan sources). I find that eggs and cottage cheese or ricotta cheese are sort of staples for snacks and stuff, as well as tuna! Anyway, it will be a bit of an experiment as to how my weight goes eating this way, and how it goes when I change to eating more fruits, and no meat/eggs/dairy with a higher raw food content.

Okay, finished the day with a couple of lentil vegie burgers and tabouli. Probably too many carbs in those!! BUT not as bad as the pies and potato wedges everyone else was eating ;)